My Real Boyfriend Read online

  “Huh, huh.” Ed appeared momentarily stuck for words. “And what are you feeling now?”

  The apartment was hot, stinking hot and getting a darn sight hotter by the minute. If I stayed much longer, clothes would cease to be an option. Perhaps Ed read my mind.

  “You’re feeling the heat?”

  “Yeah.” I would admit to a little uncertainty as to which heat he referred.

  “We could brave the wind and open a window if you want to, Gus,” he offered.

  Thirty-five floors up? I do not think so, not unless I want Ed to see just how big a wimp I am. “I think I’m okay, thanks.” The loss of clothing appeared to be getting closer, and all I needed to work out would be the best way to deal with my erection.

  “I could put on the air conditioning for you if you’d like me to.”

  Doesn’t he want me to get out of my clothes? “I’ll survive,” I told him. Trails of sweat had slowly worked their way down my neck to my back and had now reached the band of my shorts.

  “Would you say I ought to worry about Elmo’s condition on this occasion?” Ed appeared to think about his cousin for the first time.

  “This occasion?” I raised my eyebrows.

  “Cousin Elmo likes to party hard. I think that’s six times he’s been admitted as far as I know.”

  “He’s an idiot.”

  “Pills, coke... he’s not exactly fussy.” Ed thought for a moment. “Every summer he lands on my doorstep within a week of me arriving.”

  “That’s easy, just don’t tell him where you’re staying,” I suggested.

  “Unfortunately, that won’t work.” Ed didn’t explain any further. “Bums off me every year and expects me to pay for everything.”

  I shook my head. “A real cheapskate.”

  “Don’t I know it. Still, I ought to be used to it—most of his side of our family are the same. Why spend money on something if they can get it for free off me?” Taking a breath, he added to his tale of woe. “The guy only arrived yesterday, and he plans on staying indefinitely this time.”

  I grimaced at the prospect. “I’d hate that,” I said.

  “Believe me, Gus, I do. But that’s not the half of it.”

  “It gets worse?” I asked.

  Ed nodded. “Yes... much worse. I’m trying to work, and he’s trying to party. He goes clubbing all the time, throws shit down his throat and drags his pickups back here every night without fail.” Ed looked at Gus for understanding. “How am I supposed to write and earn the money to pay for all this while he has his latest five-minute boyfriend, both high on drugs and humping away in the spare room... I mean, Elmo isn’t exactly quiet when he’s having sex.”

  “So, why was he worried about you, Ed?”

  “I don’t swear... I don’t like swearing. But believe me, Gus, I’m thinking a lot of those four-letter words where Elmo is concerned. He’s only thoughtful because he needs me. And, for your information, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself despite my condition.”

  “In that case, tell him to leave.”

  “There might be one tiny problem with your suggestion, Gus.”

  “Problem... how could there be a problem?”

  “Have you ever tried getting rid of a leech when you are missing any salt or a cigarette lighter to do the job, Gus?”

  I had to admit, he did have a point.

  * * * *

  Could this be me, Ed Munroe, standing here talking to a stranger and not stuttering—or worse still, freezing in mid-sentence? A part of me, a warm gooey spot inside, made me feel good about it. Gus didn’t feel like a stranger, and the fact was, I would hate him to go away anytime soon.

  I couldn’t imagine Gus being a parasite of Elmo’s ilk, the type of guy who would like me purely because I happened to own this apartment, along with three others in the complex as well as my Sydney address. But I preferred not to take a chance by telling him that detail and maybe messing things up before they started. That is, if he were to like me in the first place, which is somewhere in the realm of impossibility.

  “Elmo tells me he comes to keep me company while I’m here for the summer... that and to save me from being lonely.”

  “Lonely?” Gus parroted me, but his expression said what he was thinking. “Are you?” he asked.

  The big question, I thought. Yeah, lonely could be my middle name, but I said, “No, I’m not.”

  “Okay.”

  “Anything but,” I added for good measure.

  “Tell me, Ed... do you have a boyfriend?” he asked.

  “If I had a boyfriend, Elmo would probably leave me alone.” Bugger, way too much information.

  Gus grinned. “I have the perfect solution then... invent one.”

  Gus’ expression warranted a light bulb sitting high above his head, brightly illuminated. I hated to put a dampener on his celebration. “Just one little problem, Gus.”

  “There’s no such thing as a problem, just a solution waiting to be found,” he told me.

  “Did you read that somewhere?” I could not help smiling at his enthusiasm.

  “Maybe, I read a lot... but that one just came to mind.” Gus shrugged it off in the same way any genius would dismiss a eureka moment.

  I looked at Gus and realised he appeared to be looking back at me in the same way. At least I hoped it was in the same way, as my look involved big dollops of lust. My main worry, though, when it came to lust-filled moments, stemmed from a simple fear of not being able to recall the basics of sex, if it were to happen. I could barely remember my last time. Well, actually I could, but I’d not be sharing that information with Gus, as the last time had been my one and only time. I’m not saying it sucked, as in the sense of being inadequate, as the other kind of suck went without a hitch. I had a natural aptitude for it, as well as for most of the other things we’d done together. Apparently, or so he told me right before he announced that there would not be a return visit due to my other problems.

  “Earth to Ed,” Gus whispered.

  Thinking about sex had caused the blood to pump faster through my veins and resuscitate what had been a flagging erection. The bulge in my underwear rated as positively disgusting. “I might go and pull on some shorts,” I said. I feared my modesty had left it a bit late to appear.

  * * * *

  The loss of Ed’s gorgeous bulge left me with the marvellous view of his beautifully rounded ass as he swished towards the bedroom. The sight proved enough to stimulate my own cock, and it quickly stood to attention. I wondered how he would feel if I followed him into the bedroom—would I be welcomed? The way his pecker behaved suggested it might appreciate some urgent attention. Sadly, though, thoughts of sexual experimentation were driven from my mind by a rap on the apartment door.

  “That can’t be for me... I don’t have visitors.” Ed, still in his underwear, posed in the bedroom doorway. Maintaining what sat somewhere between a smile and a grin, plus his ninety-percent completed erection, he issued his instruction. “It’ll be a neighbour... I don’t talk to neighbours.”

  “I’ll get rid of them?” I asked. Ed supplied my answer by shutting himself inside the room. Answering the door, the caller turned out to be Elmo, who strolled inside with as much concern as somebody who had merely popped out to the shops.

  “You still here?” he growled.

  Lying on a hospital bed, Elmo had presented as a much nicer character than he did now. I saw for the first time what a cocky little shit he really was. “As I can see my feet currently standing on this carpet, I would say I am, Elmo.” My sarcasm came to nothing, and I could have saved my breath for all the attention he paid. I watched him take a pack of cigarettes from his jacket. We’d had one tussle already when I refuse to let him light up in the ward.

  “Where’s Eddy?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow at me.

  “In his bedroom,” I told him.

  Lighting his cigarette, he blew the smoke in my direc
tion before asking, “Was he okay?”

  “Why wouldn’t he be okay?” I asked.

  “Well, you know...”

  “Know what?” Yep, Elmo had definitely managed to get up my nose with his attitude, one that had been there all the time but which I had misread before.

  “The guy’s not exactly all there... you know?”

  “You seem to think I know a lot of things, Elmo,” I snarled. There was a silent standoff until suddenly a voice spoke.

  “I told you I didn’t want you to smoke in here, cousin.” Ed had made it out of the bedroom without either of us hearing.

  “Fucking Jesus...” Elmo swore but made no attempt to extinguish his cigarette. Instead, he flopped into one of the lounge chairs and continued smoking.

  Ed appeared to be angry. Without a word, he crossed to the armchair, plucked the cigarette out of his cousin’s fingers, took it to the sink, ran the tap and held the butt under it. “No more smoking in here... in fact no more you.”

  I knew Ed suffered from a social anxiety disorder, but I hated to admit that my knowledge of that medical field was tragically lacking. However, the guy fronting Elmo bore little trace of the stuttering, nervous wreck who had opened the front door to me in his underwear. On hearing Ed’s pronouncement, Elmo sneered at him.

  “Fuck you, Ed. You bloody need to have a carer around to protect you from your crazy self... you’re a frigging loony.” He got up out of the chair and stood in front of his cousin.

  A good four inches taller than Ed he looked down at him and placed a hand on his chest as though he were about to give him a shove. “Somebody ought to have you committed.”

  “Say one more word, and you’ll wish you had kept your mouth shut.” I looked around me and experienced surprise as the voice I heard was, in fact, my own. I wasn’t usually one to get angry—mostly I kept it bottled up and let it simmer. But realising that Ed’s momentary bravado had melted when faced with Elmo’s bullying, I had to do what I had to do.

  “What does it have to do with you?” He turned his attention in my direction.

  Fortunately, I was not so easy to intimidate. “That’s not any of your business, Elmo. It’s between Ed and me.”

  “I’m family, you’re not... in fact, I don’t think you have any place being here.” Elmo was determined if nothing else.

  “Listen, Elmo, a man would be better off with a mongrel dog than with family like you.” For some reason, I felt extremely pleased with my insult.

  Elmo appeared not to be put off by my rudeness. “He’s a flake and needs somebody looking after him,” he insisted.

  “As in somebody who goes out for a night of popping pills from dubious sources and getting screwed by every second guy in town?” His cousin really bugged me and, though I had barely known him five minutes, I knew Ed deserved better. I decided I should help—if he wanted me to, that was.

  “If he had someone else to look after him it would okay... I wouldn’t have to worry.” His plea oozed pseudo-sincerity.

  Elmo appeared desperate to justify his existence in Ed’s life, and I had listened to enough of his rubbish. However, as I prepared to continue my assault on the creep, Ed interrupted our exchange.

  “Would the both of you shut up?” he snapped. “I am here, you know, and I’m perfectly capable of speaking up for myself.” Ed huffed as though demonstrating that his short, succinct response had required his last bit of breath. Quickly, though, before Elmo could open his mouth again, Ed recovered enough to continue. “I’m not a head case, and it’s unkind of you to say that. I happen to be perfectly sane, and I earn a lot of money through my hard work, whereas you and the rest of my wonderful family prefer to sit on your fat arses and wait for your unemployment money to arrive.”

  Ed’s words had momentarily taken the wind out of Elmo’s sails. They had also put me in my place, although he quickly provided salve for my wounded pride.

  “Sorry, Gus.”

  “What for?” I had crossed the line by intervening when it wasn’t required.

  “Because you only wanted to protect me from that leech.”

  For obvious reasons, both of our heads turned in Elmo’s direction. However, Elmo did not appear to be going down without a fight.

  “Okay, Ed. Tell me how the fuck you’ll get stuff done if I’m not around. You can’t talk to anybody unless you know them, you hate going any place where there are people. You sit in your bloody apartment all the time, tap, tap, tap on your laptop, day in, day out.”

  Had I expected Elmo’s accusation to subdue Ed, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  “Yeah, you’re right, Elmo, just me and my laptop.” Ed looked at his cousin and spoke to him in what sounded almost a whisper. “Writing the bestselling novels to pay for this place, and the one in Sydney, plus all those loans you tap me for. Where do you think the money comes from, Cousin, Santa Claus? The Easter Bunny, maybe?”

  “But we’re family,” Elmo whined. “We look out for you.”

  I wanted to cheer Ed on, though he had no need of my support.

  “The only looking out your lot do is for yourselves, Elmo... and that’s going to stop as of now.”

  “You can’t mean that.” His aggression had become a plaintive whine.

  “Can’t I?” Ed asked. Then he smiled. “The fact is I now have a boyfriend.”

  The shock of his announcement proved enough to silence both of us for a minute. What in my opinion appeared more to the point was he not only sounded serious, but he also happened to be looking in my direction.

  “You can’t have a fucking boyfriend.” Elmo released a snorting laugh. “You frigging wouldn’t have the first idea of what to do with one.”

  “Learning can be fun.” Ed sounded hesitant now, and his suggestion sounded more like a question. “Just because I’ve never had a boyfriend before...”

  Elmo obviously felt on firmer ground, and he resumed his attempt to belittle his cousin. I became angrier with every single word that came out of his mouth.

  “Why would a guy want a head case like you? Besides, to get a boyfriend, you have to be out there. You’ve not been to a club or bar in your frigging life.”

  There was a moment in everybody’s existence when they can say or do something that would potentially change the course of their life entirely... which was precisely what I did. “I’d like to be your boyfriend, Ed.”

  Treating us to another of his gross snorts, Elmo straightaway dismissed the idea. “We’re not talking pretend boyfriends here, nursey boy.”

  It seemed Elmo fancied belittling me for a change. Once again, Ed assumed the look of somebody floundering while the shark circled. As strange as it might seem, I didn’t pity or feel sorry for him in any way. Sure, his condition had dealt him a lousy hand, but he managed his life, and what’s more, he apparently made a success out of it. Beneath the surface, I suspected Ed might be stronger than anyone suspected.

  “I’m not pretending.” I looked directly at Ed as I said that. Our eyes met, and I could see in them a question, possibly more than just one. Perhaps the thought of a registered nurse as a boyfriend didn’t horrify him as much as I’d imagined it would.

  “I like the idea, Gus.”

  “That’s good.” I knew I wore a stupid smile on my face, not all that surprising when you considered the chain of events that had occurred. I glanced at my watch—I had knocked on the door a mere seventy minutes ago, and now I had a boyfriend.

  Ed shifted his gaze to Elmo and addressed him. “There’s nothing to keep you here, cousin. You can pack up and head home, to Sydney... or if you ask me nicely, I’ll give you the money to pay for a hotel for a week so you can finish your holiday.”

  “Like hell I’m going anywhere.” He looked at me, then at Ed, until finally he settled on me. “You think I’m going to swallow your bullshit?” His prominent Adam’s Apple became more noticeable as he gulped. “I know what your game is... you realise he’s got mon
ey and you want to get a share.”

  I hoped that Ed wouldn’t think that. He would know my offer had only been made to get Elmo out of the way... no other reason... I thought.

  * * * *

  “Do you reckon he’ll be back?” Gus asked the question as soon as Elmo, suitcase in hand, had stormed out of the apartment.

  Knowing Elmo as well as I did, I could almost guarantee the answer. “Probably,” I told him. “You really didn’t have to do that, you know.”

  “It was the least I could do. I’ll hang around for a while and then head back to my place tomorrow,” he said.

  Gus had impressed me with the way he’d forced Elmo to pack up and leave my apartment. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that as with all bad smells, my cousin would return sooner or later. Still, it would be nice to have Gus around for the night, even if he would be sleeping in the guest bedroom recently vacated by Elmo. Right at that moment, however, I had enjoyed a great evening. I felt happy with my lot, sprawled out on the sofa, holding a glass of red wine, and with Gus’ leg touching mine. Nice failed to describe how I felt. It was more than nice as I had an erection that had been keeping me company since Gus had returned from a trip to his place to fetch a change of clothes.

  “I guess we ought to be thinking about bed?” Gus asked, his voice oozing desire and promising more than bed alone.

  Barely were the words out of his mouth than I heard the front door of the apartment opening and seconds later, saw Elmo standing there, unsteady from either drugs or alcohol and with his customary date for the night standing immediately behind him. “What do you want?” I needed to get the security recoded.

  “My bed.”

  “You don’t have a bed.” Even to me, I sounded decisive. My cousin looked suddenly hesitant when Gus’ hand reached for my thigh and squeezed it. I made no attempt to suppress my sigh of contentment. However, I foresaw a problem, as Gus was to have occupied the spare room.

  “Please, Ed... I’m desperate. Just one night?”

  Why do I always give in? I could never work myself out. “One night... no more than that.”